the comfort zone!

Another day to spend, sitting at one of my favorite coffee shop.
Yes! another sip for a glass of coffee just overwhelms me.
Something kept me of thinking, why is it seems so hard for Indonesian to look for a job?
While there are some of the expats from another part of the world, who get the easier opportunity.

I saw a TV show having this 'bule' man hosting or be in the program.
What they need is just these foreigners are able to speak bahasa, that would be enough. or even speaking English is also suitable anywhere.
That's just an easy thing for them..I wonder why!?
Then i met someone who work as a manager in some company in Jakarta.
I mean I'm not against of any race or whatsoever, it is just really odd, that we..Indonesian people.
People who live in our own country, find it more difficult to work in our own land.
Some of us were born and raised here. what's the problem?
I can assure that Indo people are skillful enough, well ready, many of the youngsters or fresh graduates who expecting themselves to work in some decent companies! Why is it soooo hard then!?

Am I sound somewhat desperate? I am not, just curious about all of this condition of why Indonesian people seems slightly hard to get a job for themselves.
What I felt after graduated from the university, I thought, well..this is it.
I need to strive my ass off in order to get a job in Jakarta.
Just need to find my comfort zone in one particular job.
Writing, that is what I am capable of, but the material of my writing is one thing that I certainly need to explore! But somehow, being in a comfort zone is not enough, we still need to look for another thing to get challenged. As like to get another obstacles or a bump in my path, that is what I am looking for now!
Well...Alas! bottom line, I am looking forward to have a decent full-time job in a decent company!

i am expressing

it is the moment where i have had enough of everything
i do not want to be sound so depressing now, but i'm just being realistic
i am expressing...
how would you feel about the friendship you have, is nearly gonna
it is like you been suffocate down your throat, you can't breath
you will start to feel obnoxious, barely losing your grip
it was the best hands grip that you could have, then it's gone

the next thing you would do is you just try to cope with it
you would try to step back for a while
take a look from the far, yes...fairly, far enough to keep you think
what the hell am i doing now?! what should i do next?!
what went wrong!? what did i do?!
these rambling questions will racing up in your brain
like a needle stick to your skin, down the vessel of your muscle

i am hurt
i am neglected
i am unnoticeable
i am everything

you
you could have noticed
you would have love
you should not be mean
you
you would listen to me, expressing!

owning is my only sin

owning is my only sin
all the possibilities
all the open gates
it lays there, widely

i hope to your presence
i earned it,
i deserved it, until..
the struggling
the striving
and the beauty
comes to an end
again

owning is my only sin

all the possible relationship
all the noticeable existences
the green grass on the yard
the smell of the thickened soap
all the comes and goes
all the loves and loss

owning is my only sin

i am aware
of the long waits
i am aware
of the uncertainty
i am swell

owning is my only sin
i would let go
i have to let go
cause owning is my last sin

at the age of 25

At the age of 25 is where you start to strive it all alone.
At the age of 25 is where you realize that even your own family start to hate you, disagree with your decision, Dislike what you think it's right and made up some unbelievably stupid rules which you've had enough of it.
At the age of 25 is when you think you have some of good friends to rely on, but they start to abandoning you.

Have you ever feel neglected?
Me? Million times, mostly by the closest ones i have.
They began to be so careless, busy with their stuff (which i can understand that).
Then keep the distance away, and the next thing you will hear from them is their plan for marriage.
Then you would think, where have i gone for all this time? What did i missed?! Believe me, it hurts a lot.
I'd rather have a wound cut wide open than have to feel that.

It is not a matter of growing up nor old, it is not a matter of becoming wiser, it is the PROCESS of how maturity would slowing down take my hands, walking side by side, guide me.
If all of those things happened to you at the age of 25.
That means you are indeed must strive everything all alone.
Even if your family start to hating you, which mean you should try to stand up on your own, where a family will not support you anymore.
Lastly, when you think you had some people (the so-called friends) that you can rely on, but they just decided to put you aside and stay away.
that means it is time for you to leave all of those so-called friendship, and stand up for yourself.
What is the possible loss can happen for not having a friend?
Well, that society turn their back on you, right? So, why should you bother?

Me, at the age of 25, My family don't feel happy about me. The so-called friends i got, prefer to neglecting me. As a matter of fact, I am ready to strive everything all alone!
Leave all the hopelessness aside and to seize every second moves on my path!
It is not a gold which paved on my path, i like it plain, indescribable..yet, full of surprise.
Thank you Lord, for the brightest 25 years you gave me!

you will never know

"There's no such an 'IF' in this world and I don't believe in that, I live my life as in now and today.
I never know what will happen in the future. I could probably be dead in two weeks from now, you'll never know".
When I heard of those sentences falling out, I simply cursing myself for bringing up this conversation to him. I've been questioning to myself, is he just trying to be realistic, or just couldn't find some nice words to put in.
I paused.
My minds were spacing out in the back of my head.

I was pretty much sad that time, uttered, "come on! you really saying that to me?!"
Would it be funny if someone you care, or the so-called friend coming down to see you.
Then the only thing you would say...-with a little hold on your tongue-seems like you're doubtful, will goes "I really can't answer that question now".
Well, that lines sum up all of those great conversations we had.
Again, I paused myself from going.

There's an echoes in my brain "Hey, maybe he's just not sure, if one day he already got a lover, married or a family, probably he would not be allowed to come up and see your face. How's that sound to you?"
If that's what he would think, then...I will leave him be.
If a friendship may harmful for him. I'm not a too demanding person after all.
Bottom line, I am completely understand what he meant.
Saying that we never be able to control the future, I realized, he was just trying to be a real..realistic person. So, stop the pause and move on.
At least he know how i would feel when he talked that way. It's all cleared.

However, it's a different case of what happened to my relationship with the ex-lover some 9 months ago.
I never bugged him when he's busy with work. The next thing i heard from him was, "You can never understand me, You're just knowing I'm busy". Oh Crap! That's an asshole speaking out from hell!

Today's conversation has slightly make me think of how this life will turns out for us.
As he said, "You'll never know, you're the future, I'm the past, Eeyore".
Well, if am the future and I don't even know what will happen to me in the next life.
Then how could the one who lives in the past knowing how their life will turns??
They probably still trying to figure it out how the lives will bring them in.
Is it better to keep it light or to keep it sane? You'll never know :)
The whole of the universe is a mystery.

Am I as Gloomy as Eeyore?

A very good friend of mine was asking, "Do you have anything to write on your blog again, now?"
I answered, "Not yet, there are lot of things going on in my head these days"
But, here I am..writing again.
I woke up lil bit too early today. I was talking to a friend til morning, it's been a while for us not speaking to each other. It's always been lovely talking and laughing out loud with him..Kitty.
Then I couldn't sleep anymore, made a cup of coffee, and here I am.

My birthday would be a week from now! Darn it, I don't feel good about this whole birthday thingy.
To me, it's just another day to pass on, nothing special, except I'm getting older without noticed it. While i'm seeing myself now, as someone who still haven't make anything great in life. Kitty said, that my life is just about to begin. "You're not ready to have any husband, kids, not even a boyfriend just yet..but there will be an adventure in your life coming ahead of you. I can see it through your eyes", he said.
Well, I try to understand what he said about it..but, for this 25th birthday.
I simply don't want anything.
I just want to be able to live my life as the way it is.
As Kitty would say, "You just want to live your life faster Gilang".
I would like to find the answer of my life and pursue my dream, especially..my career.
Yet, there are lots of things I want to achieve in this life, and I can assure you that it is not marriage.
Far away from that stupid word begin with the letter M.
Hmmm.. I know 25 is probably just a number.
But it could representing that Ive been living for a half of the 50 years I might have in this world.
It's a daft life..I know. I'll have my finger crossed..tightly this time =)

The way I see this life, is I live my life to the fullest in the present time. I do think about the future time, but..more of an imagination I have, like...about what I would love to be, how I'll end up this life later, and some other silly things to imagine. Maybe I sounds a bit of ignorant but I never plan anything in my life.

I am not a well-organized person. I live as the way it is. I can get whatever in front of me, the job opportunities (not all of the opportunity tho..sometimes, I like to skipped and wait for the best), love life, whatever..I just try to live it wisely..keep it light and sane.
Kitty said, I'm like Eeyore in the Winnie the Pooh...do I look  gloomy? Well, probably I am..sometimes, I cried..we would call each other and he would be there calms me down.

One day, Eeyore noticed he's losing his tail off, he would still keep moving, and say.."I will look for the tail, the tail will be found if it's there for me, if it's can't be found, then it's Ok"
That's you! he said, "You will keep moving and live. You don't worry too much when you have a problem, you're just keep on going". Well..I have no idea, why he would think of me that way.
I am worry too sometimes, human do worries.
That's why I cry sometimes, when I can't coping well with my head and it gets too much there.
So, I doubt it whether I am like what he's saying. Tho, I try to keep myself sane and keep my feet on the ground. Thanks to you, Kitty..

turn my back to the glitter

blank
pause
move
turn my back
to the glitter of you
stop
blank
pause

don't see the stars tonight
where are thou?
miss your brightness
flashes me
where are thou?
miss your warmth
showering me

the glitters
blink me out
i tried to empty the mind
it is you in the bubbles
the glitters
blink me out

blank
pause
move
turn my back
to the glitter of you
stop
blank
pause

the sip of coffee caramel

Grab my laptop, drive to the nearest coffee shop.
I need to make some work done, but it seems there was some problem in it so I can't make it done tonight. Bummer!

In the sip of a glass of a nice cold coffee caramel made me think of my singularity. Oh, have i told you, that the caramel will always on the hand. I am craving it too much! The taste of coffee caramel is like how the bitter and sweet sips of life. Again the presence of being alone now really suits me fine. Coming down to the coffee place with friends will be a lot more fun, but the fact of being alone had dragging me into some serious pleasure. I am kind of enjoying myself being alone these days. *sigh*

Well, I would solemnly pray that I could always make myself pretty much occupied with the reality of being alone. Darn it, I started to slightly desperate now, keep bringing this singularity topic here.
I rest my case...I'll see you again tonight!

the sparkle in my eyes

as in waiting for the dawn to crawls in
as in the young child hoping to awaits
with the sparkles in my eyes
i would wait the dawn to shimmer
with the shimmering face of the candle lights
i would wipe the frown and draw the smile

the shimmering lights of you
in voices i could never forgot to
there, you starts to bright me up
in voices that could make me laugh

"if i don't met you, i wouldn't open my heart"
those lines of yours kept me from going
am i somewhat important-ish?
"if it's not with you, i wouldn't open my heart"
those lines of mine sounds I'm losing my mind
i am somewhat talking rubbish

you never turn your back on me
you are the shoulder i could rely on
you have all your ears up for me

being selfish is my only sin
i can't afford to lose another soul
shall i keep you for myself?
or share it with others?
being selfish is my only sin

i would miss the laughter
the tears i could cracked in my rough days
the imagination of what we could do to each other
the babbling you could not just stop (ah! the cute fast talking)

we are not the so-called friends
or am i your only friend?
i doubt that

but you never turn your back on me
you are the shoulder i could rely on
you have all your ears up for me

solemnly i pray for your happiness in life
with all my heart and soul
again, if i had to lose it all
don't ask whether i am ready or not
with all my heart and soul
if i have to, i will lose it all

note: dedicated to a very good friend of mine, you know how much i love you, my friend. Thank you for always being there and reachable in the hardest time of my life.
Hugs and Kisses!

it is not just a so-called freedom

I did make my bed before writing this. Sat down, had a cup of coffee and a bread with nutella in it. Then something caught up in mind just now..been thinking about today..it is not a rough day, i never had any rough days anymore now. I am so...damned missing that moments tho. As the singer quoted, "life has been insane, but today has been okay"..i am okay, i can assure you that ;) i wrote a poem once, talking about the singularity, yes..singularity entertained me better.

Pops out in my head, about the talks i had with a friend. We were talking about marriage. I would have myself stay single as long as God wanted me to be. Then somehow, i kinda thinking, what's the use of getting married? Got kids, take care of your husband, be the best housewife you can be, then what? most of them are bumped into the situation where they stop learning, most of the time it will be hard for them to gain more knowledge. Well, yes i am well aware that by getting married, we start to live our own life from ZERO. I am talking about the knowledge in general, not just how to changing diapers, make the nicest breakfast for your family, No. The more deep knowledge about life, which probably may gaining your skills, whatever that is..i kind of have the perspective in mind that living the marriage life can be so boring, but anyways...it is just my thoughts and how i feel about it, do not taking it too personal, okay..maybe i would write again if someday i happened to get married and promise i will share my experience :)

It seems fine for me to stay single. Oh, I guess you should be worried if you are surrounded by numbers of people, and then you don't feel happy or at least fine with it. Ah..this reflection i drawn remind me of a good friend of mine, who would always need to be alone. He said he want to just relax in a quite place. Well, there is nothing wrong with him. It's a different case i guess..cause he always feel annoyed by people around him, he called them the so-called friends. Anyways, i try to defense my argument in the above..yea yea..being single suits me fine statement...well, as that author said, why would you bother yourself getting married. Long time ago, young girls are expected to remain virgin in their early ages, no sex before marriage, somehow it became more valuable in the society of eastern countries.

But now..when those girls able to keep their virginity till the age of 40s, and started out of lucky in finding the perfect husband, or let's say being a "virgin mary". Then that society would easily mocking on them, probably would talk behind their back and questioning, why would you stay single!? or end up in a family gathering, and got yourself become the main topic for them to discuss. "That" society would ring your door bell asking the little things in your life..isn't that a bit annoying for you? mind of your own business, that what i would say to them. Personally, i would walk on this path, whatever this long walks taking me later. Oh! what is shocking me the most, is that i just found out from a friend, that my mom was complaining to her of me being single!!! How crazy is that!? I prefer to hear it from my mom's mouth than my friend. Somehow, my mom would sounds slightly desperate, asking my friend to introduce me to some friends of hers. Anyways, i will leave this desperate mom issue in here, i can't give her an answer but tell her to be patient, cause I'm a bit of enjoy being alone these days. Sorry Mom! ;)

Let's face it and be frankly, what is exactly do you want from women these days? get married soon, realizing they can't be happy. Oh, just like one of my friend. Who has been together with her boyfriend for three years, and all of a sudden she feel losing the chemistry, too boring, lost the sparks. He is right about her league indeed. But what can we say about it, when you knew you find a perfect mate to be with, you just want to be with them right away. You just knew..
Or another miserable marriage of my friend, who got beaten by her husband. Yes, and the funny thing is that her parents knowing about it, but they will hate them to separated, and mentioning such an amount of money that the family had spent for their wedding. So, "you gotta spent your whole life beaten up, cause we lost our money for your wedding" the parents said. God...! Life is really getting insanely brutal these days, don't you think? Me and some friends tried to do something for this friend of mine, but we couldn't help much i guess. Cause she need to get out of the house, and i don't think she is capable of doing that..So saddening, hope God always be with her.

Back to the stay single topic. I found it really OK, well..it is not just about the so-called freedom i have from it, but somehow i feel like i need to be this way for a while. Does 9 months is enough? no worries, i will keep you inform how long could i be staying like this. The most important thing is that i still could have fun by being alone, it is how you can keep up yourself stay away from the boredom. While i have to admit that sometimes, i cried myself up cause it got too boring. :)) But i am hanging there, got couple of friends keep it up with me, talk to me through line or sit in together. Life has already been insane, but today let's try hard to be, at least...Okay.
Indeed, i am OK. Good Night people!

the uncertainty

seems it is better to lose it all
or best to keep it sane

the uncertainty bribes me up
as no air coming through
it is getting stronger now

seems it is better to lose it all
or best to keep it sane

the uncertainty bribes me up
as the smoke puffed in
it is getting stronger now

seems it is better to lose it all
or best to keep it sane

or...have i lost you?

the coming back

i know it's been a while I'm not updating this blog. I've got my hands full with some sorts of job back then. I was working as a writer in some travel magazines. The job was alright, was fun, and the most important thing is that i can learn a lot there, gaining more knowledge about writing, hopefully my writing skill can be something now.

It was a fun job, I've met some of great friends and people there. Yet, learned how to deal with some wacko people in the office who would love to push my button. Ah! such a moment!
Anyways, i know it's really late now...i had sleep, then woke up at this hour. Oh, i'm doing the freelance job now, as a copywriter, in some French and Italian Restaurants. Couldn't say much about this job yet, it's only been a month now. Though, i am still looking forward to be back in the office. Miss the social life. :(

I will try to keep up the writing here, there are so many things to catch up. Since the working from home giving me these loads of thoughts, i can't wait to pour it down there! See ya!